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BDSM for beginners — the best place to start is at the beginning

You know, I want to first congratulate you. Yeah, you! Okay, hear me out before you go lifting an eyebrow (I actually can’t do that…but I imagine I can, like Dwyane ‘The Rock’ Johnson). Listen, the desire to explore kink and BDSM isn’t something that’s commonly accepted to this day, even with all the mainstream attention to it, like Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s still considered a highly taboo subject with a lot of assumptions and stereotypes surrounding it.

Truth is, trying kink and BDSM can be the most rewarding thing you do for yourself. It’s like this explorative journey that, at least to me, that allows you to get to know and love yourself in such a way that is transcendent. Benefits include more compassion, self-love, confidence, feelings of badassery, and being unapologetic in living your life and asking for what you want.

I could go on forever about the benefits of trying BDSM, but that’s not what you’re here for. You’re ready to take the leap into trying kink and BDSM, but you’re not sure where or how to start. No worries there, this article will give you an overview of how and where to start that makes sense for you. Oh yeah, if you’re hung up on what it means to be kinky, check out the explanation here.

 

BDSM classes can be taken in-person and online

Before we get started, it’s important to note that learning about BDSM usually happens in two ways: digital or analog. It really depends on how you learn and how accessible reputable classes and resources are digitally or not.

Digitally, BDSM lessons exist online or in a digital format, like DVDs. The instructor guides you through everything you need and you get to go at your own pace (pausing and rewinding FTW!). But, you won’t get that 1-to-1 guidance and feedback. Especially at Desires Laid Bare, where our BDSM trainings are digital, we take extra care to take that into account and try to be as thorough as possible.

Then there’s analog aka non-digital. There are books, classes, and workshops you can take. The benefits of learning in-person are that you get that 1-on-1 support. The downside is, you can’t replay the class and have to rely on your memory if you wanted to refer back to something specifically. As for books, while I consider them more a resource than a class, the downside may be that a how-to, especially for rope, isn’t easy to understand in static diagrams as it may be during in-person workshops or online videos. There’s no right or wrong way, really, just the safe way and however it is you learn best.

Did you know that there are kink conferences around the world? Yes, they exist! Check out this video I made about what goes on at a kink conference!

 

Thinking, “I want to try BDSM”? Here are some great resources to start with:

 

1. Regardless of what you’re into or curious to try there’s always the first step: YOU.

The practice of BDSM at the end of the day is about what you like, want, or desire to try. So, the first step in exploring BDSM is understanding what motivations and fantasies are.

Many times, people don’t know what they want to try. All they know is that they’d like to be “less vanilla” or that they have a desire to spice up their sex lives. Pretty vague, right? So, if you know what you’re wanting to explore, awesome! If not, ask yourself these questions:

Also, be aware that while you may want to start trying BDSM, you may not be ready. It would be remiss of Desires Laid Bare to not include this in our guide.

 

2. Establish boundaries.

Are there some things you absolutely don’t want to try? Do you have limits? Do you have food allergies? Are there certain words that are triggering to you or that you just don’t like? It’s important to know what’s on the NO list to help you keep refining what it is you’d like. 

 

3. Be Safe.

Besides education, there’s nothing more important than staying safe in BDSM. Now, inherently, exploring BDSM itself is a risky undertaking, emotionally, mentally, or physically. So, erring on the side of caution and taking slow steps is essential. Whenever you’re ready to start playing with your partner, check out this video on what you need to know when setting up a scene.

 

4. Set you and your partner(s) up for communication success.

It’s to keep you both safe, happy, and fulfilled. Communication is a beautiful thing. It can be hairy scary to be this honest and vulnerable. It’s what makes exploring BDSM so unique in bringing relationships close together and elevating the people individually and as a couple when they go at this. Communication is the foundation of what makes BDSM work.

 

Some Fun BDSM Things to Try to get your ideas churning:

If you’re feeling like you need a BDSM for dummies resource that includes downloadable resources on getting started with BDSM, enter your information below.

Enter the Online BDSM Community – learn, support, and grow

Exploring kink and BDSM is a very personal thing. These curiosities, fantasies, and desires speak to a very raw, emotional, and vulnerable side of us that we don’t often want to talk about.

Take it from the thousands of stories I’ve heard from people who have told me how their fantasies and curiosities have surprised and even shocked them because it challenged their beliefs or ways of thinking passed down from family. Specifically, religious upbringings, traumatic incidents, and cultural beliefs are the most common culprits that BDSM fantasies challenges.

Which means that feelings of confusion, embarrassment, shame, and guilt can surface in this explorative journey. But this is a good thing! Understanding where these feelings stem from, and talking about it allows you to reach a level of understanding and awareness that is beneficial to you as a person and your experience in exploring BDSM.

Which is why finding yourself a community of fellow people on the same journey as you are so beneficial. You don’t and shouldn’t have to go at this alone. Finding a BDSM community, whether in-person or online is just as important as getting a good kink education.

If you’re feeling up to it, there are tons of in-person BDSM gatherings that look to create communities. You can find them at Meetups or at munches. Or, if you’re feeling like starting with an online community is better to start with, FetLife is one of the largest kink social networks out there. A small bit of caution: FetLife can be a bit intimidating with the amount of extreme content in there. And, if you’re female, you’ll get a few dick pics from random males. It’s a BDSM social site after all. You make your experience on that site.

 

Enter Desires Laid Bare – BDSM Education and Community

I created Desires Laid Bare because this was something I had wish existed for me when I was ready to explore BDSM. I had so many questions. I didn’t know what was out there, what was trustworthy, and what kinds of things I could explore. I also had a ton of questions and concerns about everything. I also felt like I was in an identity crisis! Like many, I too started my journey on FetLife. Hey, I’m still on there now to keep up with events and news.

Desires Laid Bare is a membership community to learn about kink/BDSM in a guided and supportive way, so that you have the knowledge and tools to explore in a safe and educated manner.

Which means not only do you have access to a comprehensive selection of educational videos, resources, and stories, you also feel the support of other members around you in a safe space to ask questions, share wins, and build each other up. No more Googling and wondering if the information you’re reading is trustworthy. No more spending hours researching. Desires Laid Bare’s roadmap will help you every step of the way, no matter your experience.

If you’re wondering if Desires Laid Bare is for you as you begin your explorations in BDSM, click here to find out.