I will be the first one to admit that much of my desires to explore kink and BDSM were tied to sex.
My desires, fantasies, and wants were tied to having kinky sex, where I was dominated, bound, and my control taken away (consensually). After I had these fantasies and desires fulfilled, I remember questioning, “Is this it? Is this all BDSM has to offer? After a decade of fantasizing about kink and BDSM, is this all this world has to offer?”
I wouldn’t be here if I had answered Yes to any of those questions. Through some hardcore introspection, I found, and continue to find, SO much more of what kink and BDSM have to offer. That, sex, the physical, was just the tip of the kinky iceberg.
It was hard to limit this post to just five things I’ve learned while living the kink lifestyle, but here it goes:
1. It’s not just about having kinky sex
Don’t get me wrong, kinky sex is AMAZING when done right. It’s fulfilling as fuck, and everyone feels great because they get to be and act as they are and not to what’s expected of them. But, it’s just a tiny portion of what the kink world has to offer.
There’s so much more emotional, mental, and psychological satisfaction and fulfillment that kink has to offer that it’s often passed over because it’s hard to explain in compelling words how it can be life-changing. Plus, it’s so much easier, sexier, and profitable for various mediums to portray two people having hot, kinky sex.
In the kink world, you learn about yourself. You learn and develop healthy boundaries and communication methods all in the name of keeping you and the people you interact with safe. You grow. You experience new possibilities. Sometimes, just when I think I’ve seen it all, I’m always hit with something eye-opening.
Once I allowed myself to see and experience BDSM outside of the sexual realm, I realized there was so much more to this life was just as, if not more, meaningful.
2. There is so much power in being accepted exactly as you are
I love being around my kink and sex-positive friends because they accept me for who I am. Growing up, I always felt like an outcast, even though I hung out with popular kids and played various varsity sports. But there was something that kept me from fully being able to feel at home with them. The fact that I was sexually curious (not that I went and fucked everything that moved) didn’t help either. I felt perverted, I felt wrong. Maybe it was because I was molested for 10 years of my life up until high school that made me this way. While my friends were watching The Hills, I was getting curious about what Masters and Johnson were doing.
Fast forward to today. It’s hard to not feel confident and empowered when your community sees you and accepts you for who you are. The validation they first give you becomes the validation you give yourself to go forth and take risks and do the things you want to do because you want to without worry about what others think. Because, if your community can still love you after you disclosing all your deepest and darkest and perverted fantasies, how can you not go and ask for that raise at work? I don’t know, it made sense for me (and I got that raise, by the way).
3. You Have to #adult and take responsibility (for your actions and what happens to you, for example)
Oh yes, boy have I learned this one many times over. It’s easy to walk away when things don’t work out. It’s easy to allow others to take responsibility. It’s easy to point fingers at people. But is it right, especially in the kink community? HELL NO.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve played victim a lot of my life. It’s all I ever knew up until I was in my early twenties, especially with how I was raised (traditional Chinese), my sexual abuse, and my abusive relationship.
I realized quickly that the freedom to explore kink also meant the responsibility I had in growing the fuck up and owning up to taking ownership of my life.
- If I didn’t stand up for myself, I could get taken advantage of.
- If I didn’t speak up for when things felt off, I could sustain damage to myself emotionally and physically,
- If I let my ego or my pride get in my way, I could hurt the people I was with, even if it all was unintentional.
- If I didn’t stand up for others when it was needed, those people could also be taken advantage of, as well.
Exploring kink gave me the space to practice what I lacked so much of growing up. It was so easy to compartmentalize and sweep shit under the rug. I didn’t realize how much of my power I gave away when I didn’t stand or speak up and take responsibility where it was needed.
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4. Who I surround myself with matters
I totally paint an amazing picture of kink and BDSM. And, for 99% of it, it’s all true. The people I’ve befriended are amazing and lift me up in the best of ways. Jim Rohn said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. This concept also applies to kink. So, watch out for the 1% who’s style of kink is unhealthy.
There are kinksters who will try to belittle and shame you because you’re not kinky enough, or able to take a lot of pain.
There are also people who will say tell you that the way you practice kink is “wrong” and that their way is the best. The only wrong way you could practice kink is the unsafe and unhealthy way: ignorance, dishonesty, victim mentality, and the likes.
There are “dominants” who will try to take advantage of you because you look like you’re the submissive type, or have said you identify as submissive. Trust me, I’ve been there. Never forget: just because you identify as submissive does not make you everyone’s submissive. Make people earn your submission.
It’s rare, but they are out there. And it’s quite sad that they need to stoop down to such a low vibration to make themselves feel good. But they are out there.
5. The permission to explore kink has helped me be my best self
There’s SO much I could write about this fifth bullet. This could be a blog post in itself. In short, giving myself the permission to explore elevated my life in so many ways. I transformed from this docile and meek person to someone who really stood in my power. I stopped worrying about who I was going to offend and I quieted the voice inside that analyzed every minute detail of my actions to see if they were right or good enough. I stopped putting my self-worth in other people’s hands.
I learned that my voice was powerful, and when combined with my actions, I became unstoppable. I became a better communicator. I listened to my intuition more. My confidence rose, and I took more risks and made big boss decisions in my business that I would have never dared to go near with a 10-foot pole in the past. In short, I stopped diminishing my own fire and really opened my eyes to all that was possible in my life. I had found freedom.
If you’re someone who is relatively new to exploring kink, it may be harder to believe that your life can change this much. But, I can assure you, from the many people I’ve spoken to who took even a tiny first step to exploring kink by having candid conversations about kink returned amazing results. So, I challenge you today. Will you step in your power and take that first step to being the best you through the freedom to explore kink?